Failure

Failure.


That's been me for the last year. First with may eating. Second with a miscarriage and inability to get pregnant again, followed up by a few close calls, but still no baby.

Failure.

Not the face of happy, even
though she should be

Which has led only to me eating more, exercing less, and hating myself more. I've ballooned this year to places that are painful and watched every good attempt I've made this year fall on it's fat face. The results are not pretty. At all.

Obviously all this self loathing talk isn't helpful, it's just the opposite. I need to change it and I'm making small changes this week to do that. I need to change the inner voice in my head and that starts with exercise, not food. Exercise in the morning sets the pace for the day, so I've started getting up at 5 to accomplish this.

 I knew I needed to make a change for awhile, but as my pants grow tighter and I grow more uncomfortable in social situations and wanted to just hide rather than see my friends and family, I need to take it more seriously.

No excuses. No more grazing. No more I'll exercise tomorrow.

So this summer I'm taking the time to take care of myself. I have 3 drafts written that need to go to the editor, so I'm going to slow down the writing of new material, and just take time for me. No stress. More exercise. More meal planning. More outdoors, more Turbo Fire, and less computer time. (Sorry Computer)

I'm worried if I don't do this now, my 'next summers' will be limited. And that scares me.