Change is uncomfortable

Usually when I'm home alone (baby not included) for the night I order something yummy to eat. Like Pizza or a sub. Sometimes both, I admit. It's fun. I put on trashy TV and have fun. It's like having a party at the house except I'm the only lucky one who has been invited.

Pull up a chair me. Oh thanks for the invite, here have some hot wings! Might as well have some pizza while you're at it!

The last two nights I haven't. My husband won't be home until the weekend, so I have a few more nights to go. But who knew doing NOTHING could be so uncomfortable. Shouldn't eating a small pizza by myself be uncomfortable? Or doing something that I KNOW is going to ruin all the progress I've made throughout the day and through my really tough workouts?

Somehow being still, doing nothing, is uncomfortable. It makes anxiety rise in me and my stomach twist in knots. Am I afraid the food may never come back? That I will never EVER has a pizza slice again? I don't think so, but I think I am afraid to be with myself. Alone. In the silence.

I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's been so long and there's that akward silence. I don't really know you. The day is filled with all this activity and moving around. So much to do, so little time, hurry up with this and that. Bam wham!

I'm not comfortable with my own thoughts. With my own body. So why would I want to cozy up with me when instead I can have a loud roaring pizza party of fun?

Also, it's easy to do what you did before. You build a habit like a walkway through the carpet of your brain. It's easy, it's a no brainer. The voice in my head says 'it'll be so much fun!' 'Wasn't it fun the last 20 times we did it?'

Yes, until the pizza was gone. Until the next morning.

Hopefully if I deny the pizza binge enough eventually the pathway will get overgrown with grass and pretty flowers. But I know it'll be easy for the pathway to come back. I'll need to be careful. One piece of pizza does not have to equal the entire pie.

Next up, finding fun things to do that are well, fun, and can replace the pizza. At least MOST of the time. And learning to spend time with me. 

Day 2 coming to a close!

...is coming to a close and it was a successful day! My mother is a major food pusher, but I was able to resist the temptations of pot roast. I ate my salad and was legitimately full. There is nothing evil about pot roast, but I really didn't want to load up on a bunch of potatoes I don't need. My dinner was:

• 2 cups lettuce, 1 cup spinach, fresh basil and oregano, 1/4 avocado, black beans, tossed with salt/pepper and red win vinegar.
• Topped with sauted onions and egg plant. Yum!

For dessert I had a piece of banana bread. I was hungry again and even though it wasn't the best possible choice I could make but I'm at piece with it which is the important part.

After having some cheese when I got home at 7, my calories clocked in for the day at around 1700. Pretty close to where I was yesterday though I'm happier today with my choices than I was yesterday. I guess because I only had peanut butter once instead of 3 times, lol. And a few other things!

For my exercise I did the Insanity Cardio Recovery workout. Tomorrow it's another day of intense cardio. I'm geared up for it and ready to go! First in the morning though I will probably bring Baby E out to play somewhere fun. Tomorrow may be more challenging because it is less busy than it was today, but we're gonna take it a step at a time. For now I will enjoy this success!

Busy Day!

Eva and I have had a busy day of playdates. It's been successful in keeping me from thinking about food, even when I'm home. After I finished my Insanity Cardio Recover workout there wasn't much time to do much other than make lunches and food for tonight. Soon it's off to my Mom's.

So far I am feeling really strong today and hardly hungry. I feel satisified. Oh, couldn't all our days be like this?

Breakfast

• 2 Egg Omelet with red peppers, onions, fresh basil, parm cheese, tomatoes and sour cream.
• 3/4 cup sliced strawberries

Snack

• Half a banana with PB
• Whole Wheat Toast

Lunch

• 4 oz cod cooked with lemon juice, baked tomato slices (2), and fresh cilantro
• 1 Cup Steamed Broccoli

A new day!

Good morning little Blog! It's a new day. I'll have to be quick beause the baby is stirring but I am looking forward to the new day. My muscles in my arms and legs are sore and I like it! Means I pushed myself hard, so YAY!

Looking forward to a healthy breakfast!

Successful Day One!

Well my first day was a success. I didn't get pulled into any binge like behavior (even if some of the things I ate were not 'on plan', so to speak.) Eva and I had a good day together and I didn't take any frustrations out on her. YAY!

Snack

• 5 organic cheddar crackers
• 16 almonds

Dinner

• 2 Cup lettuce, 1 cup spinach, 1/4 cup avocado, 1/8th cup black beans, 4 cherry tomatoes, 2 TBSP red peppers, fresh chopped basil and oregano with Pepper and Red Wine Vinegar.

It was sooo good! The fresh herbs really made this salad refreshing and vibrant!

• 2 Cheddar Potato Perogies (OOPS) I ate it off of Eva's highchair tray. I shouldn't have, but they were yummy.

Calorie count was 1,665. 165 Calories off of my target, but I burned about 580 calories through exercise today and washed all the floors, take the Baby out for a stroll outside, so I'm not gonna beat myself up by it.

I'm feeling really GREAT and incredibly energetic today. I guess that's what happens if you're not eating 4000 calories a day! I'm thinking after I wash the floor in the mud-room that I'll go downstairs and exercise again. I have to do something with all this energy!

Lunch

Lunch was very satisfying!

• 4oz Salmon cooked with lemon juice, pepper, salt, and cilantro
• 3/4 Sweet Potato. Last 1/4 went to baby E
• Pizza Crust

I didn't eat the remaining piece of pizza in the fridge and it's already past 1, go me! Instead I ate the crust that Baby E wouldn't eat from her slice because it is too hard for her as she only has 3.5 teeth. (The top tooth doesn't really even count as a .5 as it's just broken through the skin.) 

That puts my lunch at about 530 calories which is 230 calories over what I was aiming for. EEK! I think my next meal I'll try to par down the calories by eating mostly veggies. 

Exercise done!

Before I start an Insanity workout, I always feel like I can't do it, or that I really am not looking forward to it, but once it starts I feel so GOOD. 10 minutes into the workout I'm jumping and doing my best to keep up with the guys on my screen.

I feel PUMPED and EMPOWERED to even attempt to be doing what they are doing. Sure, some of the moves I modify, like the pushups, but I feel way better reaching for the sky with them then doing some beginner program.

I like the feeling of pushing myself. I can push myself alot farther and alot harder than I thought. Now that I know that it makes it hard to go back and do an 'easy' workout.

The Insanity 'warm up' is 9 minutes long and then the stretching immediately after that is a little over 6. Those 15 minutes I sweat more than I used to doing other workouts for 30 minutes.

Today I did 38 minutes of Insanity and according to caloriecount.about.com I burned about 500 calories, as it counts as HIT Interval training. I feel great and am looking forward to the afternoon!

I have to admit...

...I have emotions and they aren't always positive. Sometimes they are negative like resetment, anger, fear, panic, regret. Usually before I even FEEL these emotions I'm reaching for something to eat. I have to address these feelings and instead of giving into the temptation to pretend I don't feel these things, talk about them. I need to get them out so they don't kill me.

How do you do this with a 14 month old that has you frustrated or, yes, even angry, because she won't stop shaking the lamp or trying to pull the laptop down on her head? She's angelic looking, have these bright blue eyes that will stop you in her tracks, and the most wonderful smile. Ever. But yes sometimes I'm angry with her. Upset.

So when she was shaking the lap and I was trying to get something done, I wanted to grab a cookie. I wanted to eat something. Anything in that moment. But instead I took a deep breath, and pulled her aside gently. I told her Mommy wasn't happy with her behavior and it was making me very upset. I didn't want the lamp to fall over onto her and hurt her.

Does she understand? Mostly, no. Maybe a little. But I felt better anyway. So I took her by the hands and spun her in circles until she giggled.

Then after awhile of play, we went off and had her afternoon snack.

Hopefully it'll be that easy all the time, but I doubt it. What happens if I want to tell my husband how I feel, who can talk back, and what if he says I have no RIGHT to  feel that way?*

Dealing with Eva might be easy, but still that angry voice in my head said 'It's too hard. Just eat. You'll feel better.' Maybe for the few minutes it takes to eat, but when it's over, I know I'll feel worse.

*I doubt my husband who actually say those words, but he COULD!

Mid-morning Snack

I guess when you get up at 5AM, 10AM is mid-morning because that's when I'm actually hungry again. There have been some days when I've already binged by now, but I've been keeping busy. The house smells great right now because I use non-toxic almond floor wash on the hardwood floors and it's the most wonderful smell! Makes you want to wash floors more often (yah, right, but it is a good incentive.)

My midmorning snack:

• 1 slice whole grain bread (100 cal) with 1 TBLS Peanutbutter, squirt of honey, and 1 inch of a banana
• 1 string cheese
• about 6 grapes.

I admit that I ate about half of the string cheese Baby E left on her tray. Instead she's eating a banana. These days she's enjoying learning how to peel it herself. 

I'm eating 5 small meals a day (or trying to, damn you binging) instead of 3, so this 'snack' is really more like Breakfast Part 2. It would probably be too high calorie for a snack, but it's just about right for a meal (aiming for about 300 calories per meal).

Right now though calories aren't my focus. My focus is to stop binge eating. Each time I eat something and don't binge eat, right now is a VICTORY. So since I haven't done that, it's gold star for me! 

Accountability

Today is all about making it tonight without binging. I want to consciously eat everything that I eat. So today will be about keeping busy even if it means taking Baby Eva out 4 times a day in an effort to keep the mind occupied. She should like it because she loves going out for car rides, especially if she gets to play when we arrive!

While Baby Eva was eating her breakfast (half a banana with omelet) I cutup a whole chicken, which is part of my new focus in life of going natural, and not wanting to waste. I am able to make chicken stock from the bones, etc, keeping us healthier and eating foods that 'I know where they came from', for my family. It's very important to me now that I have a little person in our family.

After that I made my breakfast (sorry blog for turning you into a food log, but that's what you are going to be several times a day).

• Half an Apple
• An omelet made of 2 eggs, diced yellow onions and red peppers, and fresh cilantro, topped with 1 TBSP low far sour cream and diced cherry tomatoes.

YUM! The omelet is to die for! The fresh cilantro really makes it. It tastes so fresh and vibrant. I love cooking with fresh herbs. It's something new I am doing and slowly I am stocking up on fresh supplies and then freezing them. I take them out when I need them and allow the cooking process to 'defrost' them. (I know freezing fresh herbs seems like an oxymoron but the flavor is the same once cooked).

Now I have my big glass of ice water and am ready to start the day. The early morning is going to include playing with Baby Eva, blocks and trains most likely, and putting her laundry away.

My Journey

These entries will most likely need to be short and sweet as I'll be blogging mostly when my daughter is awake and she's a very active 14 month old! Mostly this blog exists for me. Something to write and do when the desire to binge eat hits. To eat when I'm bored or just plain want to eat when I'm not hungry.

I wouldn't want to say that before I had binge eating under control, but it was never as bad as it is now, or how bad it's been the last several weeks. The urges have gotten sooo strong lately I feel almost helpless to deny them. I've actually started looking into therapy, most of which is outprogram programs. I couldn't take a 10 or 12 week course of inpatient and be away from my little girl that long! Plus it wouldn't be practical, plus I don't think my problem is that bad that I need to be monitored that closely.

I need to stop it before it gets that bad.

I'm so angry with myself for letting this happen again. At Christmas I was down to 213 lbs for the first time in years. I felt good. Now, not even 3 months later I'm at about 233 lbs (down 2 pounds from Sunday, but I feel NO JOY in it whatsoever.) That's alot of weight to gain in under 3 months. Clearly the eating has been controling me and not the other way around.

I want to eat sensibly and eat healthy yummy food. I know healthy food can be yummy. I know I love to exercise. So why don't I just do these things? Why let junk food crap and the simple needle on the scale control me?

This was my binge yesterday, just to remain accountable and part of me HOPES that no one EVER finds this blog that I actually know. I'd be so embarrassed, I think I'd cry.

• half a box of honeycombs
• 1/4 box of crackling oat bran (pretty much what was left)
• 1/2 cheeseburger
• 3 slices Hawaiian pizza
• Small turkey club sub
• 5 cheddar crackers
• 1 small box (2 servings worth) of animal crackers (which was supposed to be my daughters, thanks very much)

All of which was consumed in about, hmm, over the course of an hour. The sub, pizza, and burger in less than 10 minutes flat. Which I guess is part of the definition of a binge. I hated myself so much afterwards I promised I would never eat again, which I know is nonsense.

I'd like to end this first post on a positive note so I guess I'll just say I want to strive for loving myself no matter what I eat, or weigh. And I have to get healthy. It's not a numbers game anymore. I just have to find a way to kick this problem and get it manageable. If I stop eating an extra 1-2,000 calories a day I'm sure I'll lose weight. I just need to find out how.