Change is uncomfortable

Usually when I'm home alone (baby not included) for the night I order something yummy to eat. Like Pizza or a sub. Sometimes both, I admit. It's fun. I put on trashy TV and have fun. It's like having a party at the house except I'm the only lucky one who has been invited.

Pull up a chair me. Oh thanks for the invite, here have some hot wings! Might as well have some pizza while you're at it!

The last two nights I haven't. My husband won't be home until the weekend, so I have a few more nights to go. But who knew doing NOTHING could be so uncomfortable. Shouldn't eating a small pizza by myself be uncomfortable? Or doing something that I KNOW is going to ruin all the progress I've made throughout the day and through my really tough workouts?

Somehow being still, doing nothing, is uncomfortable. It makes anxiety rise in me and my stomach twist in knots. Am I afraid the food may never come back? That I will never EVER has a pizza slice again? I don't think so, but I think I am afraid to be with myself. Alone. In the silence.

I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's been so long and there's that akward silence. I don't really know you. The day is filled with all this activity and moving around. So much to do, so little time, hurry up with this and that. Bam wham!

I'm not comfortable with my own thoughts. With my own body. So why would I want to cozy up with me when instead I can have a loud roaring pizza party of fun?

Also, it's easy to do what you did before. You build a habit like a walkway through the carpet of your brain. It's easy, it's a no brainer. The voice in my head says 'it'll be so much fun!' 'Wasn't it fun the last 20 times we did it?'

Yes, until the pizza was gone. Until the next morning.

Hopefully if I deny the pizza binge enough eventually the pathway will get overgrown with grass and pretty flowers. But I know it'll be easy for the pathway to come back. I'll need to be careful. One piece of pizza does not have to equal the entire pie.

Next up, finding fun things to do that are well, fun, and can replace the pizza. At least MOST of the time. And learning to spend time with me.