Failure

Failure.


That's been me for the last year. First with may eating. Second with a miscarriage and inability to get pregnant again, followed up by a few close calls, but still no baby.

Failure.

Not the face of happy, even
though she should be

Which has led only to me eating more, exercing less, and hating myself more. I've ballooned this year to places that are painful and watched every good attempt I've made this year fall on it's fat face. The results are not pretty. At all.

Obviously all this self loathing talk isn't helpful, it's just the opposite. I need to change it and I'm making small changes this week to do that. I need to change the inner voice in my head and that starts with exercise, not food. Exercise in the morning sets the pace for the day, so I've started getting up at 5 to accomplish this.

 I knew I needed to make a change for awhile, but as my pants grow tighter and I grow more uncomfortable in social situations and wanted to just hide rather than see my friends and family, I need to take it more seriously.

No excuses. No more grazing. No more I'll exercise tomorrow.

So this summer I'm taking the time to take care of myself. I have 3 drafts written that need to go to the editor, so I'm going to slow down the writing of new material, and just take time for me. No stress. More exercise. More meal planning. More outdoors, more Turbo Fire, and less computer time. (Sorry Computer)

I'm worried if I don't do this now, my 'next summers' will be limited. And that scares me.

What I've learned

I've been doing Insanity for over 1 month now. You've probably seen the informericals. Intense cardio, lots of jumping. My husband is the one who ordered the program initially, but i was watching the infomerical on TV and got really excited about it. I thought, well I'll do the warm up and see how it goes.

The warm up probably was the hardest I had ever worked, but I kept going. I discovered I really LIKED pushing myself hard, getting focused, and not giving up. Before you know it I finished the workout and was doing it 6 days a week from about week 2 on.

So now that I feel strong, I thought I would write how it's changed my life, my fitness, and my perpective on myself.

That I can run faster and push myself harder than I EVER thought Possible

That when my heart is pounding and I'm out of breath, I'm not really going to die. I just feel that way. I can still work and still push myself through a workout.

I feel empowered.

That I REALLY like digging this deep and pushing myself this hard!

That at 4:30AM it's okay to scream 'Let's Go' with Shaun T at the TV. Not only does it feel good, it always helps me get my second wind.

After finishing a workout I feel like I've just climbed a mountain and someone has pinned a medal on my sweat laden T-Shirt.

That it's possible to sweat more through a stretch than through a warm up.

That I can stop, take a swig of water, and then resume my workout WITHOUT feeling like a failure!

That when Shaun T says 'recovery day' he's laughing manically at ME personally. (okay, that one isn't really true...That I KNOW OF!)

Things I can do now that I couldn't do before....

Before I couldn't do one jumping jack. Now I can do them through all 3 intervals of the warm ups without stopping.

I can focus better now on the task of hand (exercise) even when out of breath, my heart pounding, and feeling exhausted. Insanity has taught me to dig deep and find power within myself.

Pushups. UGH. I can do like 20 pushups on my knees now and about 2 on my toes. After my C-Section last year, for me, this is a huge accomplishment.

I can get through a warm up without stopping and go right into a stretch without feeling like I should turn off the DVD and call it a day.

That my husband keeps waking me up at night to tell me how great I'm looking. Though I wish he wouldn't wait until I'm asleep to tell me this!

That across my breasts, waist, and hips I've lost over 10 inches!

When I first started, I could barely move side to side for hit the floor and most of the time my hand didn't actually HIT the floor. Now not only does my hand lay flat against the floor, I'm jumping up to change directions, with my arm up in the air.

That I can walk up the stairs now without having to use the railing to pull myself up.

Chocolate Raspberry Shake

Here's a great recipe for chocolate Shakeology.

1 Scoop Chocolate Shakeology
1/2 cup almond milk (adds about 30 calories)
3/4 cups water (more or less, depending how thick you like it)
handful of ice
1 tablespoon Walton's raspberry spread (or other no calorie jelly) (no calorie spread)

Combine in Blender and blend for 30 seconds. Should come out thick and frothy. Garnish with berry of your choice.

You can buy a sample of shakeology from http://www.getshakeologynow.com

Change is uncomfortable

Usually when I'm home alone (baby not included) for the night I order something yummy to eat. Like Pizza or a sub. Sometimes both, I admit. It's fun. I put on trashy TV and have fun. It's like having a party at the house except I'm the only lucky one who has been invited.

Pull up a chair me. Oh thanks for the invite, here have some hot wings! Might as well have some pizza while you're at it!

The last two nights I haven't. My husband won't be home until the weekend, so I have a few more nights to go. But who knew doing NOTHING could be so uncomfortable. Shouldn't eating a small pizza by myself be uncomfortable? Or doing something that I KNOW is going to ruin all the progress I've made throughout the day and through my really tough workouts?

Somehow being still, doing nothing, is uncomfortable. It makes anxiety rise in me and my stomach twist in knots. Am I afraid the food may never come back? That I will never EVER has a pizza slice again? I don't think so, but I think I am afraid to be with myself. Alone. In the silence.

I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's been so long and there's that akward silence. I don't really know you. The day is filled with all this activity and moving around. So much to do, so little time, hurry up with this and that. Bam wham!

I'm not comfortable with my own thoughts. With my own body. So why would I want to cozy up with me when instead I can have a loud roaring pizza party of fun?

Also, it's easy to do what you did before. You build a habit like a walkway through the carpet of your brain. It's easy, it's a no brainer. The voice in my head says 'it'll be so much fun!' 'Wasn't it fun the last 20 times we did it?'

Yes, until the pizza was gone. Until the next morning.

Hopefully if I deny the pizza binge enough eventually the pathway will get overgrown with grass and pretty flowers. But I know it'll be easy for the pathway to come back. I'll need to be careful. One piece of pizza does not have to equal the entire pie.

Next up, finding fun things to do that are well, fun, and can replace the pizza. At least MOST of the time. And learning to spend time with me. 

Day 2 coming to a close!

...is coming to a close and it was a successful day! My mother is a major food pusher, but I was able to resist the temptations of pot roast. I ate my salad and was legitimately full. There is nothing evil about pot roast, but I really didn't want to load up on a bunch of potatoes I don't need. My dinner was:

• 2 cups lettuce, 1 cup spinach, fresh basil and oregano, 1/4 avocado, black beans, tossed with salt/pepper and red win vinegar.
• Topped with sauted onions and egg plant. Yum!

For dessert I had a piece of banana bread. I was hungry again and even though it wasn't the best possible choice I could make but I'm at piece with it which is the important part.

After having some cheese when I got home at 7, my calories clocked in for the day at around 1700. Pretty close to where I was yesterday though I'm happier today with my choices than I was yesterday. I guess because I only had peanut butter once instead of 3 times, lol. And a few other things!

For my exercise I did the Insanity Cardio Recovery workout. Tomorrow it's another day of intense cardio. I'm geared up for it and ready to go! First in the morning though I will probably bring Baby E out to play somewhere fun. Tomorrow may be more challenging because it is less busy than it was today, but we're gonna take it a step at a time. For now I will enjoy this success!

Busy Day!

Eva and I have had a busy day of playdates. It's been successful in keeping me from thinking about food, even when I'm home. After I finished my Insanity Cardio Recover workout there wasn't much time to do much other than make lunches and food for tonight. Soon it's off to my Mom's.

So far I am feeling really strong today and hardly hungry. I feel satisified. Oh, couldn't all our days be like this?

Breakfast

• 2 Egg Omelet with red peppers, onions, fresh basil, parm cheese, tomatoes and sour cream.
• 3/4 cup sliced strawberries

Snack

• Half a banana with PB
• Whole Wheat Toast

Lunch

• 4 oz cod cooked with lemon juice, baked tomato slices (2), and fresh cilantro
• 1 Cup Steamed Broccoli

A new day!

Good morning little Blog! It's a new day. I'll have to be quick beause the baby is stirring but I am looking forward to the new day. My muscles in my arms and legs are sore and I like it! Means I pushed myself hard, so YAY!

Looking forward to a healthy breakfast!