Change is uncomfortable

Usually when I'm home alone (baby not included) for the night I order something yummy to eat. Like Pizza or a sub. Sometimes both, I admit. It's fun. I put on trashy TV and have fun. It's like having a party at the house except I'm the only lucky one who has been invited.

Pull up a chair me. Oh thanks for the invite, here have some hot wings! Might as well have some pizza while you're at it!

The last two nights I haven't. My husband won't be home until the weekend, so I have a few more nights to go. But who knew doing NOTHING could be so uncomfortable. Shouldn't eating a small pizza by myself be uncomfortable? Or doing something that I KNOW is going to ruin all the progress I've made throughout the day and through my really tough workouts?

Somehow being still, doing nothing, is uncomfortable. It makes anxiety rise in me and my stomach twist in knots. Am I afraid the food may never come back? That I will never EVER has a pizza slice again? I don't think so, but I think I am afraid to be with myself. Alone. In the silence.

I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's been so long and there's that akward silence. I don't really know you. The day is filled with all this activity and moving around. So much to do, so little time, hurry up with this and that. Bam wham!

I'm not comfortable with my own thoughts. With my own body. So why would I want to cozy up with me when instead I can have a loud roaring pizza party of fun?

Also, it's easy to do what you did before. You build a habit like a walkway through the carpet of your brain. It's easy, it's a no brainer. The voice in my head says 'it'll be so much fun!' 'Wasn't it fun the last 20 times we did it?'

Yes, until the pizza was gone. Until the next morning.

Hopefully if I deny the pizza binge enough eventually the pathway will get overgrown with grass and pretty flowers. But I know it'll be easy for the pathway to come back. I'll need to be careful. One piece of pizza does not have to equal the entire pie.

Next up, finding fun things to do that are well, fun, and can replace the pizza. At least MOST of the time. And learning to spend time with me. 

Successful Day One!

Well my first day was a success. I didn't get pulled into any binge like behavior (even if some of the things I ate were not 'on plan', so to speak.) Eva and I had a good day together and I didn't take any frustrations out on her. YAY!

Snack

• 5 organic cheddar crackers
• 16 almonds

Dinner

• 2 Cup lettuce, 1 cup spinach, 1/4 cup avocado, 1/8th cup black beans, 4 cherry tomatoes, 2 TBSP red peppers, fresh chopped basil and oregano with Pepper and Red Wine Vinegar.

It was sooo good! The fresh herbs really made this salad refreshing and vibrant!

• 2 Cheddar Potato Perogies (OOPS) I ate it off of Eva's highchair tray. I shouldn't have, but they were yummy.

Calorie count was 1,665. 165 Calories off of my target, but I burned about 580 calories through exercise today and washed all the floors, take the Baby out for a stroll outside, so I'm not gonna beat myself up by it.

I'm feeling really GREAT and incredibly energetic today. I guess that's what happens if you're not eating 4000 calories a day! I'm thinking after I wash the floor in the mud-room that I'll go downstairs and exercise again. I have to do something with all this energy!

My Journey

These entries will most likely need to be short and sweet as I'll be blogging mostly when my daughter is awake and she's a very active 14 month old! Mostly this blog exists for me. Something to write and do when the desire to binge eat hits. To eat when I'm bored or just plain want to eat when I'm not hungry.

I wouldn't want to say that before I had binge eating under control, but it was never as bad as it is now, or how bad it's been the last several weeks. The urges have gotten sooo strong lately I feel almost helpless to deny them. I've actually started looking into therapy, most of which is outprogram programs. I couldn't take a 10 or 12 week course of inpatient and be away from my little girl that long! Plus it wouldn't be practical, plus I don't think my problem is that bad that I need to be monitored that closely.

I need to stop it before it gets that bad.

I'm so angry with myself for letting this happen again. At Christmas I was down to 213 lbs for the first time in years. I felt good. Now, not even 3 months later I'm at about 233 lbs (down 2 pounds from Sunday, but I feel NO JOY in it whatsoever.) That's alot of weight to gain in under 3 months. Clearly the eating has been controling me and not the other way around.

I want to eat sensibly and eat healthy yummy food. I know healthy food can be yummy. I know I love to exercise. So why don't I just do these things? Why let junk food crap and the simple needle on the scale control me?

This was my binge yesterday, just to remain accountable and part of me HOPES that no one EVER finds this blog that I actually know. I'd be so embarrassed, I think I'd cry.

• half a box of honeycombs
• 1/4 box of crackling oat bran (pretty much what was left)
• 1/2 cheeseburger
• 3 slices Hawaiian pizza
• Small turkey club sub
• 5 cheddar crackers
• 1 small box (2 servings worth) of animal crackers (which was supposed to be my daughters, thanks very much)

All of which was consumed in about, hmm, over the course of an hour. The sub, pizza, and burger in less than 10 minutes flat. Which I guess is part of the definition of a binge. I hated myself so much afterwards I promised I would never eat again, which I know is nonsense.

I'd like to end this first post on a positive note so I guess I'll just say I want to strive for loving myself no matter what I eat, or weigh. And I have to get healthy. It's not a numbers game anymore. I just have to find a way to kick this problem and get it manageable. If I stop eating an extra 1-2,000 calories a day I'm sure I'll lose weight. I just need to find out how.