My Journey

These entries will most likely need to be short and sweet as I'll be blogging mostly when my daughter is awake and she's a very active 14 month old! Mostly this blog exists for me. Something to write and do when the desire to binge eat hits. To eat when I'm bored or just plain want to eat when I'm not hungry.

I wouldn't want to say that before I had binge eating under control, but it was never as bad as it is now, or how bad it's been the last several weeks. The urges have gotten sooo strong lately I feel almost helpless to deny them. I've actually started looking into therapy, most of which is outprogram programs. I couldn't take a 10 or 12 week course of inpatient and be away from my little girl that long! Plus it wouldn't be practical, plus I don't think my problem is that bad that I need to be monitored that closely.

I need to stop it before it gets that bad.

I'm so angry with myself for letting this happen again. At Christmas I was down to 213 lbs for the first time in years. I felt good. Now, not even 3 months later I'm at about 233 lbs (down 2 pounds from Sunday, but I feel NO JOY in it whatsoever.) That's alot of weight to gain in under 3 months. Clearly the eating has been controling me and not the other way around.

I want to eat sensibly and eat healthy yummy food. I know healthy food can be yummy. I know I love to exercise. So why don't I just do these things? Why let junk food crap and the simple needle on the scale control me?

This was my binge yesterday, just to remain accountable and part of me HOPES that no one EVER finds this blog that I actually know. I'd be so embarrassed, I think I'd cry.

• half a box of honeycombs
• 1/4 box of crackling oat bran (pretty much what was left)
• 1/2 cheeseburger
• 3 slices Hawaiian pizza
• Small turkey club sub
• 5 cheddar crackers
• 1 small box (2 servings worth) of animal crackers (which was supposed to be my daughters, thanks very much)

All of which was consumed in about, hmm, over the course of an hour. The sub, pizza, and burger in less than 10 minutes flat. Which I guess is part of the definition of a binge. I hated myself so much afterwards I promised I would never eat again, which I know is nonsense.

I'd like to end this first post on a positive note so I guess I'll just say I want to strive for loving myself no matter what I eat, or weigh. And I have to get healthy. It's not a numbers game anymore. I just have to find a way to kick this problem and get it manageable. If I stop eating an extra 1-2,000 calories a day I'm sure I'll lose weight. I just need to find out how.